The (insert adjective here) Smash Mansion
by SubparHoot
Summary: Marth is a godmoding Gary Sue, Roy is mischevious (with literally no other character traits), Ike fights for chicken, and his friends, but mostly chicken, Pit is annoyingly innocent, Cloud is the edgiest edgelord ever, and Link is a lazy cynic. For anyone nostalgic for the good ol' days of Brawl smash mansion fics.
1. Chapter 1

**The (insert adjective here) Smash Mansion**

 **Chapter One**

What happens when, between beating the snot out of each other, an emo chocobo guy with an insanely huge sword, a prissy idiot with an inflated ego and a blueberry for hair, an angel who is innocent to the point of actually being annoying, a chicken - loving gangsta who fights for his friends, a mischevious ginger (because who needs an interesting character when you have red hair), and a lazy British Peter Pan knockoff hang out in a rec room together?

Absolute boredom, apparently.

Th six in question were, well, hanging out in a rec room. Y'know, If you were too lazy to actually read the first paragraph.

In the corner were two people sitting on the floor. You could probably mistake them for twins, had ones hair not been lighter and spikier than that of the others. One of them, the one the with lighter, spikier hair strummed a sad tune in his unplugged electric guitar while crying softly. He was the edgiest of the bunch: Cloud Strife.

Next to him was the ultimate Keebler elf, Santas little helper, Link. He muttered something in his sleep about being sick of 'all the elf jokes'. Nobody cared

On the couch, playing Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance on the Wii U, was an egotistical blueberry prince and a gangsta who somehow made having an empty bucket of chicken on his head look threatening. These two were Marth, the crown (and very inbred) prince of Altea, and Ike, General of the Greil Mercenaries and all - around chicken enthusiast. Somehow, even with a bucket of chicken on his head, two chicken breasts in his mouth and a chicken drumstick up each nostril the latter was able to create perfect strategies against those of the AI. It should be noted that Path of Radiance is a single player game; nobody really knows why Marth was even there.

In the single other piece of furniture in the room, a comfy chair, was a redhead giggling evilly to himself while looking over a journal. This was Roy, the maniacal ginger. I don't really know why I keep mentioning his red hair. It's not, like, an important plot detail, or anything.

Finally, innocently hovering behind the couch was an innocently innocent angel. He was named Pit, and was quite innocent. Why he's hanging out with a bunch of losers like the swordsmen is anybodies guess.

It was actually a pretty normal scene. But this is a low quality slice of life fanfict - I mean, the Smash Mansion, so of course this peace couldn't last. Roy, as usual, was he one to end the fragile atmosphere.

"Behold!" He shouted, making everyone turn towards him (with the obvious exclusion of Ike, who turned in the opposite direction, because with a bucket on his head he couldn't see shit). Even Link opened a single eye.

"I have created," Roy continued in the same boisterous tone, the perfect method of asking zero suit Samus out!"

Link rolled his single visible eye. "Sure mate," he yawned, lazily closing his eye, "You and half the mansion. 'Sides, since Other M all she cares about is that one Metroid baby that sacrificed itself for her, or some BS like that."

"Sir Link! Truly, it seems you do not grasp the importance of family ties!" Marth valiantly exclaimed.

Link sighed, raising his hands behind his head, supporting himself. "And you do? Look, mate, pretty much everyone here has some sort of fucked up family dynamic."

"Ditto to that shit homie," Ike butted in, having finally finished the two chicken breasts in his mouth. "Bitches drove mah dad crazy an' he killed tons o' peeps in front a' me!"

Cloud finally spoke up, still sniffling.

"My... My mom was impaled in front of me by..." Here he paused, seemingly sucking air into his lungs. Link, knowing what was coming, reached up and covered his sensitive Hylian ears with uncharacteristic haste.

"Sephiroth!"

Cloud then forgot his guitar entirely and flopped onto Links shoulder, sobbing. Dude's been through a lot. Edgy.

"In comparison to some of yours, mine is pretty mundane," began Link, awkwardly patting Cloud on the head. "I never met my dad, but with the stuff he did, I don't really blame 'im. Including alternate timelines, he lived through at least five mass genocides, four of them, indirectly or directly, caused by 'im. To have lived through shit like that and not kill yourself? Seems like a pretty stand-up bloke to me."

"My mom puts an eggplant on her no - no square, and we wrestle all night! Even though we've been doing it for a while, it still hurts sometimes...," Pit interjected sadly.

Any movement that was left in the room since the start of the conversation ground to a halt.

"Wait... So Palutena... Molests you at night?" Roy questioned, shocked enough to forget his anger towards Link.

Pit was immediately back to his former self. "Nope! They're love cuddles!"

"... Okay.." Marth began, still reeling from the dark revelation. "Well, unlike you filthy commoners," he shot a look at Link, "Me and Roy's parents were honorable royals, the spitting image of perfect paren-"

Here he was abruptly interrupted by Roy. "Uhh, no they weren't. My Dad was constantly cheating on Mom with that floozy Lyn. Besides, when your mom died, didn't your dad throw himself into the war, constantly absent from your life, up until the day he died?"

Marth stuttered, "... Maybe."

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"Holy shit that was a lot of exposition!"

 **A/N: whew, first chapter up. Basically, I was at a cabin with no wifi for the weekend and felt like writing a fanfiction. Riveting story, I know. Anyway, think you can guess who Link's father is? Tell me in the comments!**

 **Anyway, until next time, this is SubparHoot, over and out.**

 **Wow that was nerdy.**


	2. Chapter 2: Cafeteria Woes

**The (Insert adjective here) Smash Mansion**

 **Chapter 2**

"Uggghhh," Roy groaned, ever the plot device. "This is _so_ boring! We've been here for the past, like, four hours!"

"Calm yourself, my friend. There is merit to your statement; however, that being said, it is not completely truthful - we have indeed been stationary for quite a while, but certainly not to the extent you have stated. I believe your final sentence to be a practice in hyperbole," droned Marth, currently sitting adjacent to Roy.

On the other side of the table, Cloud leaned over, between spouting verses of "Crawling" by Linkin Park, towards Link to ask a question.

"Translation?"

"You're right, it has been a while, but not four hours. You're exaggerating," yawned Link, raising a gauntlet - ed hand to his mouth.

"'Kay, thanks. Crawling in my skin, these wounds, they will not heal..."

Link quickly tuned out the "ex SOLDIER" (wink wink, nudge nudge, spoiler spoiler), rested his head on his hands, and began to force himself back to sleep. Because somehow that's possible now. FANFIC LOGIC

The four, along with Ike and Pit, were hanging out in the main cafeteria of the Mansion. It was a weekday, meaning there was only one match a day, and all six of our lose- I mean, main characters had completed theirs for the day.

Roy huffed grumpily. "Whatever, my point still stands. I mean seriously, are we actually gonna spend all day lying around in the cafeteria of all places? I mean really! It's one thirty, they don't even serve food right now!"

"Yo, Bloods dude," Ike began, concerned. "Kinda pushin' the 'short tempered redhead' stereotype, home slice."

"Can't you see? We're ALL stereotypes!" Roy yelled into the large, mostly empty cafeteria hoarsely.

The ghostly voice of Headmaster Hand echoed back. "Stop breaking the fourth wall or you'll lose your status as a plot deviiiiiiiiiiiiceeeeeeeee..."

Roy blanched and shut up.

"He has a point, you know," said Link, sipping and eating from a cup of tea and a plate of crumpets, respectively, that had inexplicably appeared in front of him.

"True." Cloud said monotonously, attempting to cut himself with the Buster Sword, hoping not to, say, lose a limb in the process.

"I agree, best friends!" Pit interjected, smiling so wide Link feared that the cafeteria would be sucked into his angelic teeth... Now there's an interesting thought.

"I can personally attest to said statement," Marth said, cleaning his fingernails of nonexistent grime.

"Okay, anyway. Sidetrack - ings aside, I can't be the only one who feels bored in here." Roy grumbled, annoyed at the crew's antics.

"Yeah, I want to go somewhere we can have lots of fun together, like the beach!" Pit cheerily exclaimed.

"Why yes, I am not one to pass up a clear opportunity to be used towards modifying my fair complexion," said Marth with an air of regality.

Cloud leaned in towards the other blonde swordsman in the immediate vicinity, but Link was anticipating the question. "Bloke wants to sun tan."

Cloud silently nodded In thanks, then stood to address the group. "'Kay guys, lemme be reals for a sec."

Ike rolled his eyes. That was the whitest thing he had heard all day.

"While I would love to mope at the beach, listening to the Hot Topic Krew's latest album, we've read enough classic Smash Mansion fics to know how this is gonna go."

Roy raised an eyebrow. Being a Melee vet who hadn't returned in Brawl, he hadn't been around for most of the Smash Mansion's golden ages.

"Roy is gonna prank Marth while he's sunbathing, and Marth is gonna Gary Sue his way out if it."

Marth nodded while Roy's cocked eyebrow was replaced with a look of mild annoyance. He felt the comfortable weight of the Sword of Seals on his lower back, but knew better than to use it. I mean, really. He wasn't THAT short - tempered. #redheadawareness2k16

"Meanwhile, Ike is gonna flex, trying to impress the ladies, but ultimately, elf boy and chicken wings here are gonna somehow woo them."

There was an uncomfortable silence as Ike looked at Pit's wings in a new light. Cloud cleared his throat before continuing.

"And, all the while, I'll be on a floating pad listening to edgy music."

"Wow! Sounds like tons of fun! I'll see if Mom can teleport us there!" Without even waiting for an answer, Pit began mentally calling his goddess. Seeing no disagreements within the group Cloud sighed. No one seemed to listen to him.

"You think you have it bad, mate? Try being a silent protagonist," Link yawned, awaking from his nap.

Cloud began to ask how Link knew what he was thinking, but was interrupted by Pit, seemingly talking to thin air.

"Twenty more love cuddles?" Pit was facing away from the group, so they couldn't see his lower lip trembling, nor the tears coming to his eyes. Stay strong, he thought to himself. For your buddies.

 _Of course_ , Palutena's smooth voice called back to him. _For your friends..._

And, with that, all six of them disappeared, to reappear at a certain Delfino isle...

Will everything go exactly as Cloud predicted? Will things go completely different? Does anyone even care? Find out next time on Super Smash Brothers!

 **A/N: Ok, another chapter up!**

 **First of all, sorry for the relatively short chapter lengths. It's just my writing style, I guess. If it really bothers you, feel free to tell me through reviews or PM's, and I'll do what I can to lengthen them.**

 **Question of the day: Marth wanted to go to a beach. Delfino Isle has beaches. Based on this knowledge, would you say that Marth wants the D? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**

 **Stale memes aside, this is SubparHoot, over and out.**

 **Still really nerdy.**


	3. Chapter 3: the mandatory beach chapter

**A/N: I realized while writing this that the beginning kinda seems like a bad yaoi fanfic. So, if you're into that, uhhh... Enjoy it while it lasts? I guess?**

The (Insert adjective here) Smash Mansion

Chapter 3

Delfino beach, at least for Cloud, was peaceful.

Of course, that's not to say it was quiet; far from it. Other than the obvious racket of Dark Pit and the HTK's latest hit single, _Screw you mom (not la chancla!)_ , through Cloud's earbuds, the sunny cityside area was graced by the usual sounds of the beach. Laughter, Marth screaming "Watashi wa watashi no fukakai attō anime no sukiru de anata o korosu tsumoridesu!" At Roy, the sound of volley balls being spiked, fangirls 'gasming at Link's scarred torso... Normal.

Cloud himself was lying on an inflatable floating pad, only a dozen or two feet from the shore. Link, shirtless, was seemingly fast asleep and floating on his back a few feet along the shore from Cloud. On said shore, Ike was flexing to a few uninterested female smashers, Roy was shooting up sand, ungracefully running from Marth, the former brandishing the latters tiara victoriously, while Pit was... Sitting on the edge of the stone pier. Huh.

Quite a few fangirls were trying in vain to swim to Link and Cloud's location but would always end up at the shore again anytime they got close because of PLOT CONVIENENCE.

Cloud turned to Link, finally ending the atrocious segment of telling, in stead of showing. "I've been meaning to ask you," he began. "Why do you never get interested in romance? I mean, Ike has an on - again off - again thing with Micaiah, Marth has a power - couple marriage with Caeda, Roy has a thing with Lilina, I think, and Bahamut, even Pit has his... Weird thing with Palutena. But you? And, I guess, me? Why do we never get into romance?"

"You phrased that really weirdly, mate," yawned Link. "Don't encourage the fangirls."

Cloud scrolled up the metaphorical fanfiction page, reread his latest line of dialogue, and facepalmed.

"But honestly though," Link said, taking on a serious tone, it's cause we're the straight men. Every comedy on the telly needs at least one. We have to deal with the antics of the rest of the chaps; the mature, but arrogance - blinded, Marth; the black stereotype, Ik -"

"Damn right, foo'!" Ike called from the shore.

"-e; and the two sides of childishness, mischief in Roy and innocence in Pit. Any relationship we gave has to be meaningful and completely seperate from the mindless drama the rest of the cast's relationships go through."

There was a silence.

"Did you actually just make an entire expository speech completely free of the whole 'lazy and carefree' gag?"

Link yawned and went back to aimlessly floating. "Who knows? Maybe that was just some bullshit I thought up in my sleep."

"Aaaaand there he is again." Cloud was in the process of putting his earbuds back into his ears when Pit, with a flap of pearly white wings (and a facefull of feathers on Cloud's part), landed on a nearby log. The log in question wasn't there before. PLOT CONVENIENCE

"Hi, friends," Pit said in an ever-so-little less cheerful tone than usual.

Seeing as the other blonde was in no position to answer, Cloud sighed and took out the single earbud. "Hey, what's up?"

"It's about my love cuddles. With mom," replied Pit somberly.

Cloud visibly recoiled. "Uhh, you sure you wanna talk about this? I mean, I don't wanna be smited (smote?) by a vengeful goddess, or whatever."

"Huh? Oh no, she's busy with Reflet right now, in the..." Here his face scrunched up in an effort to pronounce the as-of-yet unfamiliar word. "Yuhr - eeey room."

An intelligent female voice cried out from afar. "The scales! Too much tippage! Aaahhhhhh!" Nobody cared

Cloud did the generic anime sweatdrop thing BECAUSE I GOTTA APPEASE THE WEEBS MAN

Anyway, that seemed to satisfy Cloud. "So, uh... What about your..." He hesitated, "Love cuddles?"

Pit broke down into tears, his calm facade shattering before Cloud's eyes. "They hurt, buddy! They keep getting worse, an' they might actually do real damage if the keep happening!"

The revelation sent Cloud's mind reeling. We thought that Pit was objectively the most childish person in our group - and he basically still is - but he's probably in the most adult situation out of all of us.

It took copious amounts of sheer willpower for Cloud to overcome his social anxiety and awkwardly pat Pit on the head.

Link muttered something in his sleep that sounded suspiciously like 'dank character progression, m8.' Cloud let it slide.

"If it happens again, all I can say is stay strong."

Pit nodded and began to wipe tears from his eyes.

Cloud began to withdraw his hand, saying "Unfortunately, against a goddess like Palutena, there isn't much we can -"

Here Pit interrupted the edgelord. "She also told me to tell you that Black Veil Brides is overrated, you know, last night."

Cloud slowly withdrew his outstretched arm, and allowed a steely look to cross his face. "Forget what I just said. C'mon, Link. Let's rally the troops. It's time for war."

Pit's eyes widened, but he made no attempt to stop Cloud as he grabbed Link by the ankle and started awkwardly one - hand paddling towards the shore.

-–-

 **A/N: And, another chapter up, courtesy of a little downtime.**

 **Still working on chapter lengths. I have a habit of writing cliffhangers a lot, which makes it difficult to string together multiple writing sessions into single chapters, so I'm working on 'stretching out' events or dialogue in hopes of making a longer/more satisfying chapter.**

 **Question of the day: What characters (of the six main cast) do you want to see focused on more, if any? All of them have had screen time, but we've had a good dose of Link and Cloud, and Pit's received some (hopefully) good character development this chapter. So, that leaves Marth, Ike, and Roy (assuming you don't want more of Cloud, Link and/or Pit). Tell me through the reviews (though I wouldn't mind actual reviews either).**

 **Anyway, this was SubparHoot, over and out.**

 **bad robot impersonation: EXCESSIVE NERDINESS DETECTED**


	4. Chapter 4

By the time the trio reached the shore, they were already getting odd looks. This made sense.

I mean, even on Isle Delfino, half - awake, heavily scarred elves, post - sob angels, and spiky haired men muttering to themselves with a humongous sword in tow aren't exactly commonplace.

The three in question (or, rather, Cloud with Link and Pit hesitantly following) made it halfway up the beach before Marth, Roy, and Ike caught up.

"Hey man, what's up? You doin' good?" Ike called to Cloud.

Cloud sent a look that was less withering and more mildly degrading.

Ike pressed on, undaunted. "Was' goin' on, mah [Well educated and respected person of African - American heritage]?"

Cloud turned around violently, nearly slicing off Roy's head in the process. "We're going to kill Palutena!"

Ike took a step back and raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Man, you know Ah fight fo' mah [Well educated and respected people of African - American heritage], but you know Ah gotta have reasons to not give peeps sympathy!"

The question drove Cloud into more of a rage. "That bitch called BvB overrated!"

Link nudged Cloud and gestured towards Pit, sitting on a nearby rock.

Cloud, in a moment of clarity, sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "Aaaaaand, she's molesting Pit."

A flare of red hot anger burned its way through Ike's eyes. With no trace of stereotype in his voice, Ike growled "Let's go." And began following Cloud, stomping up shore heedless of the grit beneath his toes.

"Lord Ike, Messenger Cloud, I implore you to rethink this rage propelled quest of yours," Marth calmly interjected. "While I share your outrage on the matter of Pit's situation, if not Cloud's personal preferences in the medium of auditory experience, I believe a battle with a goddess of Palutena's caliber, on her terms, would be directly counter productive to our plans, much less our survival. I propose we outline a plan before engaging her."

Cloud shuddered and gave a "holy giant wall of text, Batman!" while Ike only contributed a terse "fine."

*Around a cold beach firepit, fifteen minutes later*

"Okay. Let the war room begin," said Roy with an official air he had no right to showcase. Ike rolled his eyes but didn't interject.

"Guys? This is insane! Mommy is a goddess, and if we're not in a smash, she won't have to hold back!" Pit was nearly hyperventilating now.

"He has a point," contributed Link, slouched over the firepit. "Unless we can fight on our terms, we cannae even get close. Our best bet is either a sneak attack or an insanely imbalanced smash."

There was a silence. Link sighed.

"We're just gonna attack head on, aren't we?"

 **A/N**

 **Ok. This was... a little late, not gonna lie. I'm not gonna make excuses - I kinda just lost motivation.**

 **Anyway though, you can look forward to a chapter or two of mediocre fight scenes. Maybe. Assuming I don't go on another months - long hiatus and then emerge with nothing but a lackluster chapter to show for it.**

 **Anyway, until next time, this is SubparHoot, over and out.**

 **Do I even need to explain how nerdy that was?**


End file.
